The Secret Decoder Ring That Reveals All!

Where can I get one these?

Clearly I am missing out on many Obvious Things because I don’t have one.

You know, things like the utter and complete certainty that Obama

 “is a Marxist, and he wants to make more and more people dependent on the government. He wants to redistribute America’s wealth to those who will vote for him.” 

I wish that quote that I lifted from a Facebook comment today unique or even rare, but it is not. I’ve seen very similar sentiments expressed not just by random folks on social media sites, but also from political commentators and political candidates and office holders.

So I wanna know – what decoder ring are these people using that allows them to look past anything Obama has written, or said, or done in his entire political and personal life and peer into his soul and know the Real Truth?

Is it the same ring that Newt Gingrich uses that compels him to say that it makes liberals unhappy he believes every American of every background has been endowed by their Creator with the right to pursue happiness? Because, as a liberal, I must say that Newt’s belief in that does not make ME unhappy. But, maybe I am wrong. Maybe I don’t really KNOW me?

According to Newt, I am either a) not a liberal or b) denying my obviously deeply buried unhappiness at this statement.

My god! If only I had the Secret Decoder Ring that would let me look in the mirror and see which it is!!

Oh, and if I had the Secret Decoder Ring, I would be able to see with 100% clarity that

“Government handouts like welfare, food stamps, WIC and unemployment make people lazy”

So says yet another Facebook comment attached to the Newt quote.

That means that normally hard working, self sufficient people who find themselves without a job during this recession and therefore need to apply for aid in order to eat or stay in their houses, are suddenly hit with the Lazy Dust and are quite content to sit on their asses eating their food stamp subsidized bon bons as long as the government money rolls in. Because the second they touch a government check, they lose ALL their prior personality and character traits and just become LAZY.

It’s not that already lazy people take advantage – it’s that government money MAKES YOU LAZY!

You didn’t know that did you? I sure didn’t! I used WIC to feed my first son when money was barely there. I know it sure made me completely unwilling to work or take night classes to get my degree to get a better job and get off WIC.

Obviously, right? This life I am living is all an illusion, right? If I only had the Secret Decoder Ring I would see that!

Other people and members of my family who have used other forms of government assistance were also ruined for life too? The ones who I thought were only on it temporarily like I was?

At the very least the Secret Decoder Ring would allow me to clearly see that it is much more important to prevent people who DO take advantage (and yes, the sure do exist, even I see that!) of these systems from being able to do so. We must reduce/slash/eliminate all such access to funds! Even if it means stranding the vast majority of those using it (temporarily) who are in dire need especially during this down economy. No no, it’s MUCH better that we let them float away into homelessness and desperation than to allow ANY freeloader to keep gaming the system.

Wait…I get it now…the Secret Decoder Ring not only let’s you SEE the Real Truth – it also allows you to turn a blind eye to the poor and unemployed and underemployed!

You get extra special soul seeking vision AND selective blind spots!

I really need that ring!

Sigh…this is going to be a LONG election year, isn’t it


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